The Music In My Head

The Music In Your Ass

Barbie Dollhammer

So, there's the new Warhammer gear.
I like some of it, I hate some of it. It's odd how these things are important to us, how we're all basically little girls wanting to dress up our Barbies in these games. But, there's something very masculine about it that we thrive on. New gear should get your blood going when you see it. It should stir up that insane, primal urge of envy and man-lust for conquest when you see another player wearing it in-game.

"Ahhh that son of bitch has a full set of that awesome, beautiful armor! I hate him. That should be my stuff! I am going to strangle him and take what's rightfully mine! My preciouses! "

But ... if the gear looks MEH, that's all you think. Meh. I don't want to think 'Meh', I want to log-in, see guys showing off their shiny new gear in the middle of the city, and I want to poison them and steal their shit. I want to want things.

You lust after really beautiful things and that gives you purpose. Conversely, silly-looking things are repulsive. It's a fine line and it seems very trivial, but it's wildly important. Sexy drives you on, Ugly drives you away.

Put it this way, there's a reason the Stanley Cup is the Stanley Cup and there's a reason the other trophies are all just "other trophies".

Adding in a couple new pieces and then just re-texturing old, recycled shit is not going to cut it.

Aesthetics in a game - the gear, the character designs, etc - are as important as the gameplay. Don't think so? Ask yourself if you'd be playing whatever you're playing now if it was exactly the same game - except everyone played as pink kitties and purple bunnies dressed as sailors. You wouldn't use guns or axes, you'd fight with pillows and rainbow muffins that charge up using a mechanic based on accumulating Hugs.

Case in point: AION.

Are people are going to lose interest and quit in droves because Black Guards will look like tie-dyed insects and Witch Hunters look awful? I would hope not. But it's extremly disappointing to see people already saying "MEH, the shit we have already is better." Ideally, you want guys to kill for their gear and have hysterical shit-fits when they lose loot rolls to some other lucky bastard.

WAR players needed something to look forward to, and so far all the newness (the gear, Skaven Play, the Skaven Dungeon) all seem far short of Sexy and way nearer to Ugly.

Meanwhile...

Bioware listened to the fans heckling them about naming one of the Jedi sub-classes "WIZARD" and has put naming to a vote.

How awesome is that? I sometimes wish more game decisions were made democratically like that. Games are made for the players, after all. Shouldn't our voices be heard? I'd like to think so. But then I look at game forums and remember, "Oh yes, these people are fucking morons." I also recall a speech from my younger days, one I would give to new trainees:

"The customer is always right... if by "right" you mean fat and stupid and willing to eat their children alive if they tasted like Chicken McNuggets. Customers are right because people are shit."

So, if you remember nothing else from this posting, remember these 2 things:

1. Space Wizards = Gay.
2. People = Shit.

ALSO: TOR PVP DETAILS

Key features I agree with so far
*Relatively small-scale warzones (8v8) ... I'm all for that, I think most people are.

*The "win condition" mechanics will actually have real thought put into them (ie instead of just playing flag football like grade schoolers, your team will be doing stuff like ka-ka-ka-blowing up ships with cannons.
...Sounds potentially neat, but I'm still not even really sure PvP instances should bother with 'mechanics' at all. I think most of just want a fun place to kill dudes. Personally, I don't want it to be game-y at all. It should be a fucking street fight, keep the flags and glowballs and cannons and crap out of it.
I'll reserve my judgment until I see the mechanics in action.

*Crafting is talked about, and supposedly your crew of companions will be doing that shit for you. I think that's fantastic, really. I hate crafting, but I love stuff - making stuff, using stuff, leveling stuff. This essentially gives me all the stuff I like without the shit I don't like.

Official Trolling Guide: The Black Guard

HOW TO TROLL THE SHIT OUT OF BLACK GUARDS
AND MAKE THEM CRY
by Spider Love

1. HP Regen Turtle-spec BG?
You are useless and cannot kill any one.

2. Debuff/CC Utility-spec BG?
You cannot kill anyone and you still die like a little bitch.

3. LOL DPS-spec BG?
Are you just completely retarded? FFS, do something useful.

4. BG balancing debuffing, survivabilty and damage?*
Roll a class that can quake and has auras, puntard.

*This does not really exist, I'm j/s, hypothetically.

HOW TO TROLL THEM BACK

You would totally eat balls playing a BG, so keep spamming 2 buttons on your Fisher-Price My First PVP Class and pretending like that's something to brag about.

Also, I have spears.

True Story. Cool Story.

FUN FACT:
The boars in LOTRO are smarter than 90% of Warhammer Online players.

FUN FACT:
I am a Dwarf Pirate and I will fuck you up with both FIRE and LIGHTNING. Take your pick, gringo.

*Edit: After I posted this, Turbine nerfed the dogshit out of Rune-Keepers.

Co-incidence? Nuh-uh.

Failcrotransactions

 EA Biomythic can't even get fluff  right.

Do you want to buy a Flavor Flav clock and a dead rat? How about this broken vase I found?
ONLY FI' DOLLAHS.

Those aren't epic trophies, that's just shit a retarded junkie tries to sell you.

WAR STORE! Account Entitlements.

The Snotlings are nice and all, sure.

But I'm a god-damned Dread Lord, I should have oddly phallic pet dragonbabies and rape-scythes!
Everyone knows that.

*Edit: I see now that you get a drake in the "Personality Pack". So, yeah.
Still no rape-scythe.

And don't even get started on the fucking ponies.

Step in to my parlor, said the spider to the fly.

CHIN UP, BUCKOS
SERVER TRANSFERS WILL COST $25,
BUT MY LOVE FOR YOU IS FREE