Time of the Signs

DID YOU KNOW:
The Japanese Prime Minister is twittering. Tweeting. Twatever. 
"The Prime Minister's Office of Japan has launched an English twitter account from now on."

Good Lord, the end is here and we're going down using internet shorthand.

"We call 4 further cooperation to save power to avoid total outage."
"Demand 4 electricity has surged today."
"No impact on human body at present even if u staying outside for 24 hrs."




I really had no interest in any of the other disaster-y stuff going on there (10,000+ feared dead? YAWN.) but, for fuck's sake that is just depressing.  I would be fine with the end of the world if it played out like the Book of Revelations - the glorious un-doing of all things: archangel trumpet-blasts cracking the sky, oceans turning to blood, fire pouring forth from the mountains...
I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hell was following close behind him.

But that's not how it's going down. The end won't be poetic. It will be "epic". It will be blogged about and turned into a bad meme. The white rider heralding the apocalypse isn't going to be a crowned bowman, it's going to be Kanye West tweeting while on the toilet...

"motherfucking locusts b everywhere."
"3rd of sky darkened yo. shit just got real."

The 15 funniest guys to have in any guild

#1. The guy that thinks he's a Sith Dark Lord but is really just a sad, fat dude in Sponge Bob boxers.

#2. The guy that thinks he's Rambo and that video games = war.

#3. Any Role-Player, really.

#4. A flamboyantly gay guy that makes every other guy in the guild uncomfortable.

#5. The suburban gangster.

#6. The genuinely scary psychopath who says shit like "No, I will literally find where that guy lives and pay him a visit."

#7. Senior Lecturer ~ Professor Dr. Elitist, PhD. AKA That Guy That Acts Like He Knows Everything About The Game But Is Usually Completely Wrong and Is Totally Loathed By Everyone In The World, Ever.

#8. "God damn it, who invited their kid into the guild? Why are there toddler noises in Vent?!"

#9. "We invited Doug's parents into the guild. Be nice, his dad spent the last 4 hours trying to figure out how to move his character forward."

#10. The Catastrophic Embarrassment. This is the guy who's so bad at the game it actually becomes hysterical. He knows he's a fuck-up and embraces it.
"Can anyone heal our group?"
"I can!"
"LOL. No, seriously, can anyone heal?"

#11. Captain Awkward. This is the guy who's so bad he might truly suffer from at least some level of mental / social retardation and/or physical handicap, but the guy thinks he's really Superman.

#11. The Fat, Angry Monster. This is the type of too-serious asshole that screams at people in the middle of a fight and generally treats people like shit for no reason.

#12. Dr. Jokeyll & Mr. Holyshit. This is the guy who is usually a happy-go-lucky, often Catastrophic Embarrassment type of nice guy who will surprise everyone by exploding into a pissed-off, rage-drunk Fat, Angry Monster at weird times.

#13. The Scary Robot from Mars. This is the guy who you're almost 100% sure is not human. The one who plays 24 hours a day and if you try communicating with him, it will speak in only the tersest, weirdest responses that no normal person would ever think to say.
"hey J'onn, what's going on with you?"
"Greetings, guild-mate. I am amusing myself with the the delightful antics of these air-breathers as I study their habits"
"uh that sounds cool"

#14. The Black Guy Who Freaks Everyone Out When They Realize He's Black.
"Black guys play video games? Whaaaaat?"

#15. The Merry Prankster. Usually serves as the mascot of the guild. Often found infiltrating other guilds to spy on them and tricking other players into cybering them and then posting the transcripts on official game forums. Love him or hate him, just make sure you're not saying anything you wouldn't want recorded and remixed into a gay porn gif or something.

The 5 Least Funniest Guys To Have In Any Guild


#1. Women

Just kidding. I'm a big fan of vagina.

#1. The Sad Sack. Often found complaining about everything and being otherwise completely unappealing in every way. The Meg of the Guild.

#2. The Total Fuck-Up. This is the guy that constantly is doing something wrong, has something going wrong, and needs help to try to fix other shit that is going wrong. AKA The Raid Wiper and Fuck That Guy.

#3. The Hopeless Tech Dork.
AKA That Guy That Can Only Communicate With Other People By Listing His Computer Specs.

#4. The Troll King. This is the guy that attacks strangers on messageboards and spams /lol and /spit emotes on random lowbies then brags about how he incredible he is.

#5. Guy With Way Too Much Time On His Hands Guy.
This is the creepy, no-life piece of shit that does background searches on people to expose them on bulletin boards ("Hey, TOM GUNDERSON, how's your wife SUSAN and your house on OAK STREET? LOL!!!") and will initiate forum arguments that consist of him endlessly writing humorless, pointless walls of text to further cement his mad delusions that he is not a pathetic, unlikable dreg.

How to destroy Charlie Sheen

     I believe that Charlie Sheen is actually an actual warlock, or rather, a necromantic liche that is dabbling in the dark arts to keep himself "alive" after his heart repeatedly failed during his past drug binges. His use of tiger's blood and "Adonis DNA" (Greek goat sperm) are simple, entry-level warlock tricks to keep the skin of his corpse-host fresh and rot-free. His true power lies in the ability to store his undying soul in a phylactery - a material foci that none would suspect is the source of his immortality.

    The question then, is where would Charlie keep his soul? Are his goddesses there to tend to and protect his spiritual source-energy within their plastic bosoms?
"You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. ... These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart."

Has Charlie already learned the art of keeping one's soul-essence in three seperate parts? I don't know.

I only know this:

- you cannot destroy Charlie until you find and destroy the thing safe-guarding his soul.

- if he is not stopped, his power will only grow and he will become an unstoppable scourge that controls not only the internet & news media, but the whole of this world.

A regrettable decision

I've been without my computer for over a week now.

I was playing a marathon session of Rift when suddenly my screen froze. When I tried a restart, the Windows screen had little blue dots and wouldn't load. Uh-oh Spaghetti-O's! I figured either one of two things happened: A) I blew up my video card and/or B) my computer got AIDs.

 I have only a very limited knowledge of the inner workings of computers and want to keep it that way because that shit is boring.

For some god-damned reason I took it to Best Buy. Their store is literally right around the corner from me, I figured I'd take it there, they'd pop in a new video card and I'd be on my merry way in like 15 fucking minutes. I explained the situation to "Joe" at the counter and he plugged the machine in for a look-see.

"Hm. Were you getting these blue dots before?"
"No, those are completely different blue dots. They must be evolving lifeforms, you fucking moron."

They wanted to do diagnostics and then they'd repair it.

"Whatever, just fix it and get it back to me as soon as possible."

Again, I'm assuming that should take about 15 minutes and a new video card. It took a full week, several angry phone calls, and $70 for "Billy" to tell me that I should just buy a brand new tower from them.

Fucking thieves and rapists. Meanwhile, I took the machine to the local repair guys and they immediately popped in a video card off the shelf and had it working on the spot. Best Buy / Geek Squad is a scam, they cannot be trusted to do even the simplest tasks without them trying to rape you into spending large sums of money you don't need to spend. They couldn't do a worse job unless they shit on your motherboard and set your hard drive on fire.

I will laugh and spit on their shuttered doors when they're completely out of business by the end of the year.