This is how I role. play. with myself.

 EA BIOMYTHIC CANNOT UN-DO MY WORK, IT SHALL LAST FOR ALL TIME.




"You're a long way from Bligrigsteindorf, Bright Wizard. These are the Shadowlands.

...I see you notice my bow. It is quite large, I like my bows long and strong and made of sturdy, knotty wood. I like how they feel in my hands, the feel of a polished weapon growing tauter and tauter at my touch.  Touch it. Touch my bow. Can you sense the power it holds? It's one thing to throw fire about like a child, but a tool like this requires masterful skill.

 I've made you blush. I can see your cheeks turn rosy red even behind your thick auburn beard. Are you... shy, Bright Wizard? Let me embolden you."

/emote removes your Sovereign Flamerobe of the Inferno, slowly.

"Ah, you have freckles even there, Mage. I like that. We Asur are not marked in such a way. I can see that you're excited. How do you phrase it... 'building combustion'? You do look like you're about to explode. Why don't you Barrage your Fireballs right into my quiver, Wizard? Why don't you Fiery Blast into my face?

Do you like this? Yes, you do, you like it when I switch to Assault Stance! I call this the "Whirling Pin". Unnnh. I'm going to festerbomb all over you, here it comes... I'm going to rapid fire my penetrating arrows all in your ISHHHAAAAAA"




I wanted to try to get "red velvet tongue tickling your silky pink perineum" in there, but that even made me gag.

So crazy it just might work

Today's installment of the Bad Idea Department is brought to you by
Sony Online Entertainment!

• DCUO is promising "Iconic Play" 

This certainly smells as fishy as a frog's bunghole. You not only get to play alongside Batman and Superman in DCUO, you now will be able to play as them.

"How we do this is that throughout the game you actually find "sim cards," like you find a Batman sim card. You collect these cards, and once you get into the PvP side of the game, then you can actually play as the iconic heroes or villains on whatever card you just collected."

That's a neat idea except... now PvP's going to be nothing but pre-order edition Batmen fighting a handful of guys in the raid content Superman armor. Just an orgy of Batdudes throwing garbage cans at Superdouches.

I have no idea how you can utilize that and not have it be very stupid.

Their trailer was totally stroke-worthy, though.

• - EverQuest II is adding Free-To-Play

I think this makes sense, if you do it right. They didn't just go the 'Fuck Y'all' route that Turbine took with Lord of the Rings. ("We're shoving a massive Cash Shop down everyone's throat, and we don't give a shit if you like it or not".)

What EQII's doing is building an 'experimental' F2P server, completely separate from the Subscription Servers.  That's Win-Win-Win, right? Sony gets to charge $5 for health potions, and dumb assholes with too much money have a place to buy $5 health potions. Meanwhile, the guys who hate F2P nickel-and-dime bullshit can continue to play as always and not have to deal with any of that malarky.
(Malarky is a word my Grandpa used. It means "crazy inter-species bird sex.")

That's a hat trick of Win... everyone gets what they want: the prospective New Player, the grizzled Old Player and the greedy Corporate Overlords.


I personally don't want the word F2P near any game I play, but if you have to do it, why not do it like this?

No More Boars

This week, I'd like to introduce a series of postings called
REAL MONSTERS.

The premise of these posts will be to propose the retirement of certain creatures that litter the multi-player video game genre, and then I'll ask what sort of bad-ass beasts could potentially replace them in future games.

~ An example ~

RETIRE:
Boars.

I'm not sure whose idea it was to put wild pigs in every MMO, but that guy needs to have his balls gnawed off by a pack of ravenous cockhogs.

You think I'm being too harsh?

Count the number of boars listed here. I counted 36. That's just Warhammer Online. I think there's 36000 types of boars in WoW, EQ, RoM, AoC, LOTRO, hell even the Korean games have boars, they're just cute Pokemon-looking cartoon boars with neon green tiger stripes and glowing orange dildo tusks.



Boars are boring, they are sad squealing balls of pork.
GTFO BOARS.

I swear to god it wasn't me.

Man wearing Darth Vader mask robs Long Island bank

  

"I find your lack of fifties disturbing."  

 

 

 I have a rock-solid alibi.

I was in Bellport, sodomizing a woman in a Stormtrooper mask. 

 

Knowledge is Power

This remains quite possibly the most profound thing on the internet.

Watch and learn.

Judging People

It's wrong to judge people.

I had judged this woman, this neighbor of mine. She would feed all these stray cats, about two dozen of them, all constantly multiplying. We all called her The Crazy Cat Lady. She was a sad, lonely old dingbat that could only find companionship in dirty, disgusting, disease-ridden, dumpster-feeding vermin. That's what we thought. Why else would she leave out plates of stinking cat food all around her yard and let these soulless, scabbed-over fleabags into her house?

"They're nothing but filthy, mangy parasites!" I would say. "I'm sick of seeing these pathetic garbage-eaters, they sicken me!"

"Crazy Old Cat Lady!" I yelled at her one day. "Why don't you just get rid of those nasty things and try to rejoin the human race like everyone else!"

"Oh, dear!" she replied with a smile. "These are just for the coming of The Zombie Apocalypse. When you're all scrounging for your last dented cans of beans, I will be feasting on fresh, delicious meat for all my days!"

"I'm .. I'm sorry," I said, suddenly ashamed. "I'd misjudged you. You're not just some Crazy Cat Lady. You're an extremely Awesome Wise Lady. I guess it is wrong to judge people."


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be prepared for the coming blood storm of the End Days.


THE END.

Musical Interlude.

Summer's been treating me well. Nice to have a real-life tan as opposed to the PC monitor version.

The Spider Love Poo of the Month Club

If you guys could help me with this, that would be just great.

I'm looking to start a website that highlights all the different poops in all the different MMOs. I need your poo, send me any screenshots of MMO doodies you've seen and I will add it to the site I am building.
It will be very classy and tasteful and elegant. Like a real fancy arthouse showing, with framed work and wine and cheese and the lingering aroma of pretentious yuppie farts.