The Christmas Tree Dance Party

It's a good time of the year for me to re-tell this story.

It's April, the guild needs me to tank some dungeon in Rift. I hate tanking. I've been drinking profusely. I can't remember what my abilities do and I'm somehow missing about 20% of my health for some reason.

No matter. We most forge on.

Then I start noticing what look like trees around the corners inside the dungeon. Trees do not belong in cavernous dungeons. Not this one. But there's trees peeking from behind pillars, watching me.

Me: [mumbling] "Huh? Trees."
Guild: "What?"
Me: "The trees. In here."
Guild: "..."

Okay, let's change the subject and move on.

But... I can't. I'm being followed by weird evergreen trees hiding in the shadows, biding their time. It's maddening to me. No one else is even acknowledging their existence! Is the guild in on it? Is this all a clever ruse? Is this an elaborate trap?

Me: "What's up with the trees?!"
Guild: "Huh?"
Me: "There's ... trees."
Guild: "..."


Good lord, there's going to be an ambush. My guild planned this all. They're just waiting for the right time to strike. To turn on me.


I clumsily tank my way through the dungeon, waiting for the hammer to come crashing down on me. I can see the writing on the wall - they've waited for the final boss. They've weakened and exhausted me, confused me, and now I would stand no chance to fend them all off - the boss, the turncoat guildmates, the lurking trees.

Guild: "Are we ready?"
Me: "I - I can't even really see him. He's in a huge Christmas tree."
Guild: "What?"
Me: "It will be difficult for me to kite him through the tree, it's filling up a lot of the screen."
Guild: "What tree?!"
Me: "The giant fucking Christmas tree right in front of us!"
Guild: "There's no tree anywhere."
Guild: "You've gone crazy!"
Guild: "He's hallucinating!"
Me: "I swear to god, there is A TREE."

Guild: "There's no tree, you liar."
Me: "There is a tree, I'm taking screenshots. Get in the picture, damn it."

Tyanon refuses to see The Tree.

Me: "Everybody dance."
Guild: "Dance! It's a Christmas miracle!"

Guild: "Just shut up and tank it."
Me: "I will try. I will try my best to hold them both off."
Me: "I can't really see anything but Tree. I think it's eating me! Tyanon, help!"

Guild: "We did it. We beat the tree!"
Me: "No, Kranon, don't get too close! Dear god, no, The Tree is eating Kranonnnn!"