Monday, February 14, 2011

Adventures in WoW

I've been dabbling with a couple games since I quit Warhammer.

I subbed to WoW for laughs. People sometimes ask why I hate that fucking game. This is all I've taken from my past week of playing:

- I log on to my Level 67 Blood Elf Hunter I haven't played in 14 years, because I wanted a flying snake thing as a pet. A red one.

- Oh look, I have found a Dungeon Group. Our dungeon mission: We have to kill many Bird-Men.

- The tank begins to complain that "dps need to dps". I don't think the other players fully understand what "dps" is even an acronym for. I wonder how they try to process this sage advice.
"Fuck that guy. I'm totally Doing Positive Stuff."

- Recount is repeatedly spammed. The Death Knight says he just has some lag, but is good, he should be able to do 600 dps.

- I'm kind of laugh-crying but feel nothing inside, for I am dead there.

- The tank and healer continually bitch that the other dps aren't doing anything. I think the 2 of them are doing a combined damage total equivalent a level 20 Paladin fart.

- Cruel words are being spoken.
"You've never done 600 dps in your life"

This seems sad to me on several levels. I picture a tombstone:
"John Wowplayer. 1999-2011. Beloved Son & Brother. Never did 600 dps."

- 600 dps is bad, by the way. So bad. I wonder if these people are guys you read about in those articles where a crippled dude raids in WoW but can only move half of his left pinky. He controls his character by tapping a pencil on a special keyboard and blowing through a tube to move forward.

- Tank offers more advice.
"you need to go to and learn how to play your classes"
"look up a good rotation"

Always awesome advice: learn how to be good on the internet.

3) Profit?

- A boss is downed in what feels like 32 hours. The loot is a pair of Agility/Crit boots that the Shaman healer needs and wins on.

- I bitch about it and sulk that I don't get the boots. I Feign Death, alt-tab and watch porn.

- They completely wipe like 20 seconds later. The tank leaves.

- Everyone stares at a wall for 10 minutes waiting for a new tank. There is a Death Knight and Warrior in the party and neither have anything remotely resembling tank gear on their persons.

- Death Knight: "im making nachos lol"
Hunter: i'm trying to murder you telepathically with my rage lol

- A new tank joins. The entire group immediately wipes again. The tank leaves. The healer leaves.

- A new tank joins. The healer who stole my boots re-joins.

- The entire group wipes again, and tank and healer both leave.

- The group disbands. I tame one of the Bird-Men's red owls.

- I berate the owl.
"I don't even like you. You're a horrible pet. You look like a bloody turd with wings. I hate you. You'll never do 600 dps in your life."

No comments:

Post a Comment