Friday, July 29, 2011

Figuring out the SWTOR preorder

This is another request from friends and potential guildies -

explain how the stuff in the Star Wars preorders work.

Firstly, the physical stuff you get in the Star Wars: The Old Republic Collector's Edition ("CE") is fairly self-explanatory: you get an expensive Darth Malgus statue, the soundtrack, a map, a book, an authenticator to help you log-in securely. 

The ethereal in-game stuff needs more explaining.

Note: most of the in-game stuff comes with pre-ordering the CE and the Digital Deluxe Edition.
If you preorder the standard edition of SWTOR you get the Color Stone and Early Access.


The Color Stone
Lightsabers and blasters have sockets built-in to them that you can slot items into to change the color of their visual effects. For lightsabers they change the color of the blade, for blasters they change the color of the blaster fire. It was hinted this past week that the preorder stone would provide a golden yellow base color with a glowy black outline. What I don't know yet is how many stones you get. Do you only get a single stone per account, per server, or per character?

Early Access
People who preorder can access the game before it actually launches. The exact window isn't known right now, but early leaks mentioned 6 days for the CE and 3 days for other preorders. That has changed now - the access won't be based on which version you bought, buy when you redeemed your preorder code. Players that preorded in these first couple weeks will probably get in a couple days earlier and preorders coming later will get a lesser amount of headstart.

Flare Gun

This should be exactly what it sounds like. It will most likely just be a clickable item that has a flare-shooting animation. This wouldn't really have any real purpose other than to be a perk of preordering and being something neat to spice up screenshots.

The flare gun should make launch week a little more colorful, as entire guilds will be getting together and spitting streams of fire into the sky like it's the 4th of July. Take some pictures...

Holo Cam
This is not an in-game video recording device like a built-in fraps program, although that would be amazing. So what is it? Supposedly it just takes still pictures. The angle behind this seems ...murky, all players can already use Print Screen button to take screenshots. So what purpose does the Holo Cam serve? It could be another "noncombat companion", just a little floating cam droid that follows you around like you're a pantyless Britney Spears.

It would be nice if it automatically took screenshots of  memorable moments - hitting level 5, 10, 15; completing important stories, discovering things, killing bosses. Games like BioWare's Dragon Age and SOE's Vanguard had features like this, automatically uploading the pictures to your online profile.


Training Droid
A lot of people read the description about it offering "combat assistance" and assumed this meant that it literally is a little helper bot somehow. Perhaps it's just a training dummy you can test attacks on. Maybe it does axtually help you by firing little lasers at your target. If it's really anything like the training remote from the movie, it helps you by firing lasers at your face.

Either way, don't expect too much of an actual boost in combat performance. That would give players who paid more an unfair advantage. If it does actually help you at all in combat, it might be something like a laser bolt that does like 1 damage every 6 seconds or something. I would bet it's more in the category of a vanity companion.

Mouse Droid
This should be nothing more than a vanity pet. It will follow you around, maybe it will occasionally beep at you. (This is exclusive to the Collector's Edition).

HoloDancer
Another neat little animation-in-a-bottle like the Flare Gun. I kind of wish they restricted this to your starship - like a sort of housing decoration. Instead, you'll see Jedi gawking at and dancing with blue holographic phantom strippers randomly all across your adventures. Why?
Why not? Portable babe-in-a-box.

STAP
A pretty cool-looking exclusive mount. As I understand it now, it won't be an early advantage like the preorder mounts in 'Rift'. You probably won't be able to acquire and/or ride the thing until you pay for your proper mount-riding training.

CE Store
This is the other exclusive from the Collector's Edition, and the one that ruffles some feathers. The store itself is an in-game location that's only accessible to players who preordered the CE. The vendor supposedly will sell gear that does have stats but won't have any other advantage over other items at the same level. It's supposed to be purely cosmetic - you'd wear the CE gear because it looks different than run-of-the-mill quest reward gear.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Been there, done that

From another SWTOR SDCC Q+A:

"How often do you guys get to play the game and what would you say your best memory is of it so far?"

Stephen Reid: And my favorite moment actually I think was quite early on when I was playing the Jedi Knight on Tython. And there's a quest pretty early on where you come across two padawans who are obviously involved in a romantic relationship and you basically get the choice of essentially turning them in to the Jedi Council or leaving them be to go about their romantic business. And Jedi Code would suggest that you should go and inform the Council cause this is not something that's allowed. And I think the minute that I found that quest and had my first moment of what do I want to do, because it was a genuine moral choice. And also for me, it was a point of which it said, you know what, you can roleplay your character here. So in my case, as I recall, I chose to let them go and told them I wasn't going to tell the Council, and then I went and told the Council anyway. So that was the kind of Jedi I was playing.

See, that is a great moment - a character defining moment... a moment that stops you dead in your tracks as you're playing and makes you think -- what do I really value here? What do I want this character's story to be -- is he someone that thinks love conquers all? Or is he someone that believes in rules and laws you follow? Is he a dirty rat snitch? Is he someone who believes in the Jedi code?

It's this sort of forked road type of questing that BioWare is famous for.

It's also the same quest you do when starting out as a mage in Dragon Age: Origins.

Now, I love me some moral dilemma quests. I do. But I really hope TOR's best moments aren't all just the same reworked quests from RPG games we've already played.

It's almost impossible to be completely original when coming up with story concepts (SIMPSONS DID IT!),  and it's probably 1 quest out of thousands they wrote, but I mean, come on ... how do people not think that they just turned the word 'magi' into 'Jedi' for that quest and ran with it?

This also isn't the first time I've heard that the Jedi Knight story was hackneyed and recycled quests -- a tester infamously leaked that there was a certain plot line re-used and hammered into the ground.  Is it just the Knight class? Or is BioWare going to borrow too much from itself to fill up those 200 hour story lines?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Choosing your class in SWTOR

Just a quick 'n handy guide for guildies and friends.

*Note: the playable species are all in flux until launch. This is just a rough outline of what to expect.


*Spoiler Warning! If you want to keep the identity of your companions a surprise until you actually play through the game, there's information here that could spoil that for you.

THE EMPIRE


Sith Warrior
Progression Video
Archetype: Dark Knight, Berserker, plays very dash-and-slash.
Look and Feel: Hoods and heavy armor, Inspired by Darth Vader, Evil Robo Cop
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Rage - hybrid / PvP
Juggernaut [single lightsaber, heavy armor] Immortal - Tanking, Vengeance - attack tank DPS   
Marauder [dual-wields lightsabers, medium armor] Carnage - burst damage, Annihilation - sustained DPS
Playable Species: Human, Cyborg, Sith Pureblood, [maybe] Zabrak
Starship: The Fury
Companions: Vette, Lt. Pierce (male Imperial Trooper), Jaesa Willsaam (female Human, Fallen Jedi), Malavai Quinn (male Human, Officer), Broonmark (a male Talz)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki

Sith Inquisitor
Progression Video
Archetype: Evil Mage-Priest or Rogue Assassin.
Look and Feel: Assassins = Darth Maul, Sorcerers = Emperor Palpatine; Maroon robes, Hooded Zealot, Dark Side Mage
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Madness- mobililty + offense
Sorcerer [single lightsaber, light armor] Corruption - ranged Healing, Lightning - ranged nuking
Assassin [Stealth, saberstaff, rear positioning, light armor] Deception - burst melee, Darkness - evasive Stealth Tanking
Playable Species: Human, Twi'lek, Rattataki, Zabrak, [maybe] Pureblood
 Starship: The Fury
Companions: Khem Val, Xalek, Ashara Zavros (female Togruta, fallen Jedi), Talos Drellik (male Human, looked corny), Andronikus Revel (male, criminal guy)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki


Bounty Hunter
Progression Video
Archetype: High Tech, flamethrowing Iron Man
Look and Feel: Boba Fett inspired armor, Sexy Mandalorian, Mercenary, Powertech, Powertech
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Pyrotech - flamethrower and explosives
Powertech [single blaster, heavy duty armor] Shield Tech - ranged Tanking, Adv. Prototype - mid-range DPS
Mercenary [dual wields blasters, heavy armor] Arsenal - burst RDPS nuking, Bodyguard - Healing
Playable Species: Human, Cyborg, Rattataki, Zabrak, Chiss
Starship: D5-Mantis
Companions: Mako, Blizz, Skadge, Gault (male Devaronian), Torian Caldera (male Mandalorian)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki

Imperial Agent
Trailer / Progression Video
Archetype: Space Ninja Hitman. Think Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow in space.
Look and Feel: Space Sunglasses, Matrix jackets, Hooded spy
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Lethality - poison DOTs
Operative [Stealth, Cover, assault rifle + energy blade] Concealment - mid-range / melee DPS, Medic - Healing
Sniper [Cover, sniper rifle] Marksman - burst rifle damage, Engineer - sustained probe damage, AOEs
Playable Species: Human, Cyborg, Chiss, Rattataki, Zabrak
Starship: The Phantom
Companions: Kaliyo Djannis, Scorpio, Doctor Lokin (old dude, shapeshifts into a Rakghoul!), Ensign Raina Temple (female Human), Vector Hyllus (male Human)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki


REPUBLIC

Jedi Knight
Progression Video
Archetype: Warrior, Samurai, plays very dash-and-slash.
Look and Feel: Simple hood, Arcane hood, Armored, Warrior monk
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Focus - hybrid / PvP
Guardian [single lightsaber, heavy armor] Defiance - Tanking, Vigilance - attack tank DPS
Sentinel [dual wields lighstabers, medium armor] Combat - burst damage Watchman - sustained damage
Playable Species: Human, Twi'lek, Miraluka, Mirialan, Zabrak
Starship: The Defender
Companions: T7-01, Kira Carsen (female Human), Doc (male Human, pornstache), Sargent Rusk (male Chagrian), Lord Scourge (male Sith Pureblood)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki

Jedi Consular
Preview Video
Archetype: Warrior Monk, Holy Rogue
Look and Feel: Diplomat, Jedi Wizard, Lore Keeper
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Balance - mobility + offense
Sage [single lightsaber, light armor] Seer - Healing, Telekinetics -ranged damage
Shadow [Stealth, saberstaff, rear attacks, light armor] Infiltrator - burst melee, Kinetic Combat - evasive Stealth Tanking
Playable Species: Human, Twi'lek, Miraluka, Mirialan, Zabrak
Starship: The Defender
Companions: Qyzen Fess, Theran Cedrex (male Human), Zenith (male Twi'lek sniper), Lt. Iresso (human Male trooper), Nadia Grell (female Mirialan, apprentice)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki

Trooper
Progression Video / Class Trailer
Archetype: High Tech Super Soldier
Look and Feel: Foot soldier, Captain, Commando
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is Assault Spec - grenades, explosives
Vanguard [heavy duty armor, assault rifle] Shield Spec - ranged Tanking, Tactician - mid-range DPS
Commando [bad-ass cannon, heavy armor] Gunnery - burst RDPS nuking, Combat Medic - Healing
Playable Species: Human, Cyborg, Mirialan, Zabrak
Starship: Thunderclap
Companions: Tanno Vik, M1-4X (Assault Droid), Elara Dorne (female Human), Yuun (male Gand), Aric Jorgan (male Cathar Bounty Hunter)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki

Smuggler
Preview Video / Progression Video
Archetype: Space Pilot / Pirate, High Tech Cowboy
Look and Feel: Han Solo - compare, Lando Calrissian - compare, Cad Bane - compare
Advanced Classes: shared skilltree is [Dirty Fighting] damage over time
Scoundrel (Stealth, Cover, scatter gun [Scrapper] mid-range / melee DPS, [Sawbones] Healing 
Gunslinger (Cover, dual wields pistols, [Sharpshooter] burst RDPS, [Saboteur] sustained explosives DPS
Playable Species: Human, Cyborg, Twi'lek, Mirialan, Zabrak
Starship: XS Freighter
Companions: Bowdaar, Guss Tuno (male Mon Cal), Akavi Spaar (female Mandalorian), Risha (female Human), Corso Riggs (male Humanoid)
Forums, Wiki, Wiki



Advanced Classes by Role
Tanks: Sith Warrior (Immortal Juggernaut), Bounty Hunter (Shield Tech Powertech), Sith Inquisitor (Darkness Assassin), Jedi Knight (Defiance Guardian), Trooper (Shield Spec Vanguard), Jedi Consular (Kinetic Combat Shadow)

Healers: Sith Inquisitor (Corruption Sorcerer), Bounty Hunter (Bodyguard Mercenary), Imperial Agent (Medic Operative), Jedi Consular (Seer Sage), Trooper (Combat Medic Commando), Smuggler (Sawbones Scoundrel)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dun dun. Dun dun dundundun Utini!

We're gonna need a bigger Sandcrawler.

This isn't life, this is something else

Had to go to the DMV. Naturally, there was a screaming baby.

Actually, there were two screaming babies... who at one point were scream-crying together at the top of their lungs, like a little baby Christina Aguilera and a baby Mariah Carey having a scream-off to decide who could make me run out of the building and into traffic first.

Waiting 2 hours at the DMV on a hot summer weekday isn't bad enough, apparently it needed to steal the background soundtrack and ambient noise directly from the ninth pit of Hell. The sound of bored teenage girls and a nightmarish, ear-raping, soul-siphoning chorus of demented baby wailing.

I think, in a perfect utopian future society, that baby strollers should have built-in auto tuners so that when your little demonspawn child starts frantically crying himself into hyperventilation everyone else in the supermarket will just hear what sounds like a soothing R Kelly slow jam.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Bad Mounts

We're all quite tired of the constant march of the SWTOR Hype Machine, I'm sure.

But just 2 more quick points to ponder -

Jedi Wizards and Space Segways.


BioWare thought one of the 8 main classes should be a magical Space Wizard and that players' first mounts should be a silver Space Scooter that you hung off like it was a rogue floor buffer.















Come to me, my trusty Steed.



The masses heard about this, let their voices be heard in great numbers, and -like a Wizard waving his wand!- two things that could've been monstrous letdowns on launch are being addressed. Wizards were changed to a much more liked "Consular" and the whole Space Segway thing seems to be getting taken back to the drawing board. Before launch. Before it can sour our first impressions and leave everlasting wizard tastes in our mouth.

That's a good thing, right?

And those are just 2 examples, I'm sure there's probably more.






My thinking is maybe the Hype Machine is loud and loathsome, but in the end it's far better for the actual health of the game?

Shouldn't they be giving us as much information as possible to help catch any more potential Scooter Wizards getting into the game at launch? Or is it just flat-out detrimental to a game's cred when players gag at the sight of your logo 9 months before it's even launched?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Cool Story

 Bear with me, I've been drinking a flask of dashed hopes and smoking a pipe of broken dreams like a sad, sad, old man on creaky bed of bad metaphors.

There's a post on the Old Republic forum asking "What if"?

What if the story that BioWare is banking so much on ...sucks?

What if the companion interaction that's supposed to add so much depth is actually ...completely shallow and unrewarding?

These thoughts appear to be based on some supposed tester grumblings. Perhaps it's overreaction, perhaps it's horseshit, perhaps it's dead on. Regardless, it's a good question. What if the "4th Pillar" they're building their foundation on has cracks in it?

What happens?


  • The hardcore Star Wars nerds would probably be torn; some would just fanboy it up, some would nitpick to the point of rage-quitting.
  • The hardcore raider dorks would race to brag about world 1sts and quit. Until there were more world 1sts to 1st.
  • The hardcore PvPers would race to get the Full Darkside PvP Set and then quit.
  • The roleplayers would have quit before they even realized the stories sucked. (OMG THERE's NO SWIMMING.) Well, okay, they wouldn't quit. But they would write strongly worded message board posts.
  • Basically, It would become Rift. But with more Star Wars nerds and less Fantasy RP enthusiasts.

All things that are probably going to happen anyways. The thing is, even with all the time & money being spent, BioWare made a huge gamble. "Story" is not a priority to MMO gamers. I wouldn't even know where to rank it, it might be top 20 if I was going to make a list. Most MMO'ers have learned to just skip past story. You don't even have to skim quest text anymore, games are designed so you don't have to read anything - just follow the blobs and arrows on your map.

BioWare's gamble is that they can make stories so enthralling that MMOers will shrug off their old habits and give a shit about what's going on to their characters and the game world around them.

Note that I say "stories" and not "story". They had to write 8 completely different class stories. With different writers. All it takes is for one writer to fuck up a class and now an eighth of your playerbase is crying all over their Jedi beards.

It's hard to find even one half-decent writer to write sci-fantasy blather that anyone would want to follow. BioWare is banking on a having room full of great writers. It's not a gamble I would've taken. It's a tremendous longshot to think that you can put out 200 hours of story in 8 different, high-quality volumes all at once.

Just thinking about the law of averages, if you read 8 novels by 8 different Star Wars writers... how many would suck? How many would be amazing? How many would be worth reading month after month?


The one fallback the game will have is the IP and the attachment players will have to their characters. Players won't play the game because the Jedi Knight story is so compelling. They'll be playing only because it's their Jedi Knight. And that only takes you so far.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Love, hate and another f'ing Funcom game

Pretty promising video here of The Secret World starting to reveal more of what their world will actually look like. Overall, a strong presentation - graphics look good (enough), VO seems OK, decent mood-setting music.

I love that you'll be fighting these ...things that are both new and different (for this genre, at least) and yet they're also familiar and iconic. In so many of these games you're literally playing rat catcher. Pest control. You're sent out to squash spiders and slaughter boars, and it's boring.

In TSW, it's more than just fighting zombies and scary monsters - you're fighting chainsaw killer death golems and Lovecraftian abominations from the abyss. Things that will be new to our eyes but are old, ancient threats in the back of our heads.

And they fit into the story. Not just the overarching world story, but the local stories of the mist closing in around a town or the dark, evil things appearing in alley shadows. Every beastie and ghoul in the game is there because they're part of the game's story, a story that's very cool, a story about how all these conspiracies and myths and boogiemen are real and have agendas that you're now a part of...

That's the sort of immersion and interest that makes gaming great.

I'll also point out this provocative quote about potential PvP provocation :

RPS: You’ve said you’re going to try to make players hate the other factions. How are you going to do that without making players hate their own faction?

"... We are going to give players missions that are all about sabotaging the other societies, trying to steal their secrets and destroy their networks. We’re definitely going to make players feel like their faction is the one with all the right answers. ..."

Could that be PvP quests he's talking about?

At the very least, I like the ...antagonization between the different factions. If you're going to make a good PvP game, make the players actually want to kill each other and fight for their faction. Generic Red Team vs. Generic Blue Team scrimmaging doesn't make for a compelling game.

A lot to love so far, at least on the drawing board.

One major catch to all this, to me, is the emphasis on puzzles, which I might very well hate.

I know a lot of folks are interested in this, but I'm just not sold on the implementation of it. I want a game that makes me have to stop and think, I want a game to make me have to dig, to seek, to discover.

But I don't want to have to alt-tab and google in the process. I don't want to have to look up spoilers or strat guides, I want the game to provide me with the tools to find those sort of answers in-game, using a player's own ingenuity. It's bad enough that the MMO genre is so mired in dungeon strats and endgame boiling down to step-by-step, paint-by-numbers class builds going through the motions, literally doing 1-2-3-4 rotations through read-the-instruction-manual raid encounters.

I don't know, maybe playing internet detective will be great fun. Putting a little Sherlock Holmes / Scooby Doo mystery action in a MMO sounds like a great idea. I'm just not sure googling names or begging in chat for shortcuts is the great challenge or grand communal adventure they want it to be...


"The hardcore will have the satisfaction of solving it, and everybody else will have the satisfaction of not having to solve every puzzle."


Hrm.

Not really a great tagline for a game. The Secret World: The Satisfaction of Not Having to Solve Every Puzzle.

I'm not sure I like the idea of General Chat being turned into some ass-backwards version of a high school geometry class....


Picture of the Day

SWTOR Exclusive Reveal: Trooper Advanced Class Progression
Commando Bandito

Also: note the comments.
"The force is strong with this Juan" ...

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

PB4D the other, other new DAOC?

"Prime" is getting some buzz as being a potential new PvP playland.  Supposedly it's being modeled as a 3 Faction PvP game in the mold of Dark Age of Camelot.

Now, before we all get our hopes up, let's just take a breath here. Just because you try to make a game like DAOC doesn't mean it will be any good. My case in point: Regnum. Never heard of Regnum? That's my point.

There are some worrisome issues that jump out at me...

  • It's obviously going to have a lot of competition to even get off the ground and build a playerbase. Games coming out have to be ready to go head-to-head with the big boys right out the gate or they're going to get knocked on their ass and never recover. (Also remember that it's not going to be the only 3 Faction PvP game coming out and there's a pretty big-name game hyping 3-way PvP.)

  • Visually, it looks a lot like a corny, third-rate Global Agenda. Some of it looks like stuff I'd draw in middle school.
Xylophone Body Armor? He looks like a crazy bum version of the Predator.


    • The background lore already makes my head hurt.

    • I can't, for the life of me, understand why people keep insisting on near-mirroring of classes.  That was nothing but a headache in Warhammer. Is the game really any better, any more fun if a Fire Wizard on one side has a stun and the Ice Wizard on the other side has a disarm? No. Changing a few skills around doesn't radically make new classes that play differently, it just imbalances the factions and pisses people off.

    Just looking at the classes for a few seconds it's already apparent there could be pretty unpopular trade-offs. Like, say a Rodon Primalist has a combat rez and the other healers do not. Couldn't that potentially be a huge imbalance?


    That said, I want this game to be good. I really do. I want a fun 3 Faction PvP Game with Open RvR and epic sieges. I love the idea of GM driven content. I like Sanya Weathers saying "[O]ur intent is to focus on balance with PVP. If PVE is unbalanced in the process, we will change the PVE, not the classes."

    But let's not make this out to be Dark Age of Space-alot yet.

    Saturday, July 02, 2011

    Underwear Model Bounty Hunter Mummy

    So, I was looking at this HD version of SWTOR's Bounty Hunter Progression teaser.

    I've been thinking that the Bounty Hunter might be my main in SWTOR - I like ranged classes, I like tanky classes, Bounty Hunters can do both. And I like the idea of using MacGyver gadgets in a world full of lightsabers - the grappling rope, rockets, flamethrowers, jetpack punches, the whole Inspector Gadget angle seems fun.



    All crappy blog postings need nerdy pictures, it's required by internet law.



    I'm hoping that video is just a mediocre representation of things - the combat looks horribly presented (it looks stiff, badly choreographed), the settings generally seem pretty lackluster (drab / boring / dreary / sterile) and the design in general appears at times downright unappealing...

    There's nothing I like about the idea of shooting tiny pencil nub pistols at generic, unmoving stock figures and ridiculous Ant Dudes.

    Seriously though, Ant People are not to be fucked with if they think you have any crumbs.

    "THE HUMAN HAS CRUMBS! TWINKIE CRUMBSSSSSS!"

    "Is that your oddly engorged abdomen or are you just happy to see me?"


    MY PISTOLS ARE USUALLY MUCH BIGGER, IT'S JUST REALLY COLD IN HERE AND I WAS IN THE POOL. I WAS IN THE POOL!



    Also, blaster fire shouldn't arc down in mid-shot towards an enemy like it's a limp stream of green laser urine.

    (I think that's a flavor of Gatorade, no? Green Laser Urine?)


    SKEET SKEET SKEET



    OK, yeah, some of the armor in question here is probably just level 2 stuff you wear for twenty minutes tops, but seriously, why does it look like the Bounty Hunter is running around in boxer briefs?


    Pants just get in the way of hunting bounties.



    Listen, if you're going to go all ghetto graphics and be low maintenance, fine; I'm all for that. But you better design the hell out of the game. That's not great design there, that looks like a dude modelling space underwear.


    This doesn't look like a tech-gadget master in the future, this is a guy with inexplicable mummy wrappings on his thighs and belly.


    Looks like a nasty place to have to bandage. I guess accidents happen when you have wrist-mounted flamethrowers.





    Maybe that's a bunch of fire-resistant Force-proof Space Duct Tape, I don't know.


    Looks like Ewok butt-wipes.

    blognotes

    • I've allowed commenting on topics here. I usually think comments that aren't my own are boring and stupid, but hey, it's a free country. Say something stupid, I don't care.
    •  If you can, feel free to click these Google Ad Links or, better yet, buy some shit after clicking through the Amazon links. I'm a poor, broke college student; I need all the nickels and dimes I can get my grubby paws on. Thanks.
    • Spider Love Statistic of the Week: Total traffic sent to this site by users searching for the keywords "butt-wipe ewoks": 1

    Someone googled "butt-wipe ewoks" for some reason. I'm picturing a pissed-off kid whose Stormtrooper dad was killed in the forest battle on Endor.

    "Stupid butt-wipe Ewoks killed my dad! I'm going to google you and find you and kill you, you dick-heads!"

    Or, maybe it was an Ewok that was looking to buy wet toilet wipes for himself. I don't know. I'd assume that could be a problem for hair-covered creatures living on a forest moon.

    Or, was someone looking to actually find an Ewok that you could use as a butt-wipe?

    That would probably feel amazing.