Monday, November 14, 2011

Pat Sajak Online

I'd bought a deluxe condo and filled it with chickens. My land was an overflowing orgy of meat-spewing pigs and milk-leaking insects.  There was really nothing left for me to do in the world of Glitch -- I came, I saw, I felt empty inside.

This was not terribly surprising to me, I expected to quickly reach a point where I'd let out long sighs and shake my head for even playing a game like Glitch. What was surprising was that I didn't actually hate every aspect of the game.

The same goes for Marvel's Super Hero Squad Online, another game I tried out which is, by pretty much any measure, pretty fucking awful. But even awful games have their moments. I will try to list these moments, for posterity, because I'd like to justify wasting hunks of my life playing browser games that are intended to do nothing but slough off hunks off your life.


THINGS I LIEKED ABOUT THIS GAMES
by Dr. Spider W. Love, III

Randomly Generated Names

This is from SHSO, which requires that all players choose a 'name' that is randomly generated from an odd word pool of nouns and adjectives and such. This sounds ridiculous, and looks even worse in-game with so many players named 'Silvery Rubber Lumberjack' and 'Bouncy Brown Adventurer'.

The payoff? Continually clicking for a new name until you stumble onto something you like. It's like a game within a game. It might be the best part of the game. It's endgame before the game even starts.




Wheel of Time-Killing

Both these games feature some sort of Wheel of Fortune that you get to spin and win prizes. Are the prizes really great? No. I mostly won spare change and a collection of Mops and Buckets.

But this combines two of my favorite things - Mystery and Prizes. I feel like there should be a Wheel of Fortune feature in every game. I'm completely serious. Add a Wheel of Fortune made of bones and boobs to Age of Conan, I would come back.

Spinach Superjumps

If you eat a leaf of spinach in Glitch, you can do crazy Hulk Jumps and soar across the sky like a bird. This should be in every MMO, period.

Are you writing this down, Blizzard? Superjumping Kung Fu Pandas.


Leaving Your Mark

In Glitch, you can learn to write and leave notes across the world. This isn't overly exciting, but can be amusing if you stalk and torment other players.

"NOTE:

I'M WATCHING YOU, DOUGASAUR. ALWAYS.
YOU CAN'T STOP WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN."

It was equally if not even more rewarding being able to rename the creatures roaming the world. Like being Adam, naming all the wildlife in creation. Except it's just 3 different animals. And it's kind of unsettling to see a flock of chickens all individually named 'Buttsauce Johnson'. But if that's your calling card, if that's how you get your rocks off, then it's pretty fun.

Also, re-naming animals is another way to further harass and frighten other players, such as naming pigs "Dougasaurs Mom" or perhaps naming a chicken "IM COMING FOR YOU DOUGASAUR".

There's also Garden Gnomes you can purchase which can be taught to speak phrases to passers-by, which can be entertaining when used to verbally abuse other players. Dougasaur.

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